Do you ever just have one of those weeks that is emotionally draining? You can’t really put your finger on it, but the slightest thing brings a flood of emotion and dredges up past hurts? It’s been one of those for me. I keep striving to “take every thought captive in obedience to Christ” so that I don’t get all tangled up in a bunch of negativity, but it’s tough.
I actually had a weird realization the other night. I was up late working and just started crying over an accumulation of things. And then it hit me, it had been 4 years since my father died. Grief is so weird – even when I don’t keep up with the date in my head, it’s like my heart remembers. So I just had to grieve – for the relationship I lost, for the relationships my children lost, for the way it just changed things.
And then I went to my Heavenly Father and just laid it at His feet. I know that He knows my grief and I know that His desire is to comfort me and to grow me stronger. Even when I just want the hurt to go away, I know that He is more concerned about true healing.
I thought about it this afternoon as we drove by our creek. We’d had a big thunderstorm pass through, but we hadn’t even realized how big. The creek was flowing swiftly and was almost out of the banks. The water was muddy brown; it had stirred up all of the dirt and loose limbs. And I just thought of how I wanted the Holy Spirit to just wash over me and bring healing to my hurting heart. And I picture that like a fresh stream of water, but maybe He works through the stirred up dirty water. Maybe He’s still working on sifting me to get rid of all of the dead wood that I keep nearby.
I don’t know, but I just know that I am so thankful. Thankful that He loved me enough to send His own son. Thankful that Jesus died for me so that my sins could be washed away. Thankful that because of His sinless life and sacrifice that I would have a clear path to God. Thankful that Jesus interceded for me. Thankful that God sees me through Him. And that He loves me. Unconditionally. No because of what I do, but because of who He is.
I remember on the day that I held my youngest, it had been a difficult delivery and as I sat rocking him in the night feeding him, one praise song kept coming to mind. Not your usual lullaby, but a song of thanks. I wasn’t just thankful for a safe delivery. I was thankful for the cross. That cross is what makes everything ok when things don’t feel ok. So as I sit here dealing with all of this grief, I just have to stop and thank Him once again.
Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
Many times I’ve wondered at Your gift of life
And I’m in that place once again
I’m in that place once againAnd once again I look upon the cross where You died
I’m humbled by Your mercy and I’m broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life
Now You are exalted to the highest place
King of the heavens, where one day I’ll bow
But for now I marvel at Your saving grace
And I’m full of praise once again
I’m full of praise once again
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross, my friend