My journey with chronic pain, fibromyalgia, and depression has been tough. It’s like a roller coaster sometimes. At certain times, I’ll feel like I’ve found something that’s helping and that I may be on the road to finding the key to unlock my health again. But then, WHAM! Without rhyme or reason, I’m back to square one.
It makes me mad. It frustrates me to no end. It exhausts me. It makes me feel weak. It leaves me begging for relief and for help.
The other day I found myself reading a post by Elizabeth Esther on What Depression Feels Like. I can so relate to how she describes the depression as a sinking/drowning type feeling. And for me, it takes on a different form. As I’m drowning and I’m fighting and reaching up to people to try and help me, I feel like they just keep telling me that I just need to swim! Yes, I know that I used to swim, but for heaven’s sake, if I could swim right now, I wouldn’t be drowning!! Can’t you just help me without judging me? Elizabeth Esther mentioned how sometimes when things were at their worst for her, she’d cut herself to try and wake herself up out of the depression.
The sad thing is . . . I found myself wondering, “Does that really work?” But for her the pain chases away numbness. I already have pain. I’ve got mental numbness, but bodily pain, I have plenty already without trying to inflict more.
Then I read an article by Joy on A Deeper Story, Never Out of Weapons: When the Darkness Comes Anyway. It reminded me that I’m not alone. That sometimes the darkness just comes anyway, even when you’re doing all that you can do.
She had worked so hard to make the dark stay away. She did all those things they said would help. Cut back on sugar. Lost weight. Attended coordinated exercise classes (persisting even though she tripped on her own feet at least once every class). Read her Bible cover to cover.
But it was back anyway, despite her denial. The exhaustion,the heaviness, the just-a-breath-away tears. She knew this darkness all too well.
She talked about how she thought of just driving into an overpass, and was only able to fight off those thoughts by remembering God’s special words to her.
I find myself often feeling like life is passing me by while I fight out this pain and depression. I keep trying to look forward even if my new normal is not what I’d choose.
Joy said it like this:
A life and a family are too precious to waste time pretending you’re not falling apart.
And so I keep working the plan I have right now, while still looking for answers for this crazy pain. There is so much confusing information out there. Sometimes I can’t even understand what I’m reading, but I know a sales pitch when I see one. At times, I just want to throw my laptop across the room, throw out the medicines and supplements and just escape until I feel better again.
Yet I try to listen to the still small voice of the One who created me and loves me most. Maybe I am falling apart, but He uses broken people, and my family needs me.
I just need some relief from the unrelenting pain right now. There has to be something.
I really liked this verse I saw in Joy’s header:
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13